Spring...forward?

Well, it's officially spring now. The weather will get nicer the sun will shine more and hope and happiness will be everywhere.

Except in my house.

Spring was S's favorite time of the year. He was able to get out more, his mobility always got a little better and he loved watching it stay light outside later and later. Spring brought him strength and hope. That spirit of hope always surrounded both of us around this time. We loved spending Saturdays looking at Zillow, planning our future for when the big project we were working on for our business finally got financed. This spring is actually when the everything was set to happen.

Now, I can't even think of moving or staying. Both are painful so the only thing I can do is stay and be surrounded by him and our life together. That is the best option for now. This apartment was supposed to be a very temporary placeholder in our transition to a brighter future. Because of his mobility problems and problems with our business, we ended up staying here much, much longer than planned. April will be six years.

This apartment that never felt like our permanent home ended up being the last place he lived. The place we made a life together even though our spirits were living in other houses and a better future together, we still made so many memories in this little place that was only supposed to be a transition.

It ended up being the place where he transitioned on from life. Zillow never showed the real estate up there so I can only hope he ended up somewhere amazing, somewhere better than any of our dream houses. And now I'm here without him and all of those hopes and dreams we had so much fun sharing with each other have been stomped out.

S was so full of joy no matter how much pain he was in and our little Zillow days made him even more joyful. If he were here, as the weather gets warmer, we would have an aperitif out on the balcony and talk about how much we were going to enjoy working on our next project, living in a better house, being able to afford experimental medical treatments for his pain and just feeling more free in life, together as a team.

He is free now and I still think of us as a team but now the conversations are all one sided and the future is much different. I miss his advice. I miss his smile. I miss his laugh. I miss his humor. I miss how he would listen to me babble and babble and still be present with me. I miss our hugs. I miss our kisses. I miss how excited we would both be to watch The Walking Dead or Game of Thrones, two shows I will never be able to watch again. I miss how excited he would get when I would cook certain things like beef stew with Irish soda bread. I can't cook at all now. I even miss how he used to love to taunt me (never in a cruel way). He just loved to get me riled up and I would know he was doing it but we both just enjoyed the energy of it all. It always ended with us laughing.

He was my best friend, confidante, lover, emotional support, mentor and everything else in between. We spent every single day together all day and never got sick of each other. What do you do when that is ripped away from you? You just exist, moment to moment in a grey world that is depleted of joy. They say it will get better and I hold onto that but I don't know exactly what better means.

All I know is it will never get as good as it was and for that I will grieve forever.

The first two weeks after losing him...

I honestly don't know how I have made it these two weeks of my new life as a widow. A life that I am very begrudgingly walking through like a zombie.

Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. Try to eat, even if it is only a bite. Breathe. Try to sleep. Breathe.

That breathing thing is very important. It's amazing how many times my breath gets taken away by the grief. I can't tell you how many times I have felt like I might faint. Taking the dog for a walk leaves me breathless at the thought of coming home to an empty apartment. Going to the store leaves me breathless because my shopping always involved both of us and I would enjoy buying him little treats. Everywhere I look, I see things he loved and surprises I loved buying for him. He would get so excited over the smallest treat. He was so easy to please. His smile brightened my world.

Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Remember. Breathe. Just.Get.To.The.Next.Moment.

The first week I was surrounded by family and friends in our little apartment. I love them all very much but it was difficult being surrounded by all that activity and hiding a good amount of my grief. Then they all left. I thought it would be easier somehow. Now I'm alone to let my grief come out and it isn't any better than being surrounded. I'm alone everywhere I go no matter how many people are there. Nothing is ever enough because I don't have my husband here with me to be my best friend and give me emotional support the way he so lovingly would. It's all I want right now.

He was amazing and kind and imperfect and flawed. I loved every single part of him. I still do. I will forever. I love you, S and I always will.

Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. Get through. Breathe. Just breathe...