Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Something happened...

Not long after my last post, I was hit by a huge grief wave. I'm talking the mother of all grief waves. It was like the first week all over again. It was like the first day all over again. I couldn't stop crying, it was a major breakdown.

But then...as the wave stopped crashing against me, I saw...life. I felt like I wanted to live again. At first I couldn't believe it and thought it was some sort of mania that would pass but as I came out of that horrible tar pit of what felt like eternal misery, I felt like a person again. Not just a person but a person living in this world who wants to live in this world again.

I have been absent here the last few weeks because that first week was the grief wave and then when it let me be, I have been marveling at the world again. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time. At the end of April, I remember seeing things start to bloom and recognizing that there was beauty there but that it wasn't for me this year. It was almost like the beauty of everything was looking at me with the same dead eyes I was using to see the world.

But now I see it with vibrant eyes and everything feels so much more alive than it ever has before. It's like a kaleidoscope out there for me right now and I'm feeling almost giddy. I wanted to give it a couple of weeks to make sure it wasn't some anomaly but it really feels like it is here to stay (I hope).

Now, I don't know what it is that is making me feel so much more alive and excited for the next chapter of my life but what I do know is that part of why I'm feeling this way is because I am carrying my husband's love with me instead of over me. I can now look back on our life and cherish it, not be sad by it. I was able to put his stuff away, for the most part. I was able to sleep in the bed again. I was able to sleep in the middle of the bed and not hold his side sacred anymore. I realized that he didn't need me to do that and I didn't need to do that to myself.

But it's only been three months! How is that possible? I honestly have no idea. I am definitely scared that another big huge wave is going to take me down again but you know what? This time, I know there is sunshine on the other side and I just have to ride it out. Now that I have this feeling of life again, I am not letting go of it (I really hope I don't).

Don't get me wrong. Things are not perfect. My concentration levels are still zilch and my appetite is still very, very small but that's okay! I would be even more worried if I were all of a sudden perfectly out of my grief. Grief is still with me, I know it is but now it is residing alongside life.

I don't know how this happened, I don't know why it happened, all I know is that I can now safely say that it does get better. I have heard that so many times from so many widow(er)s and now I fully understand what they mean. Yes, I know it is very early for that but everybody has a different timeline and somehow this is how it is happening with mine. I can only hope for the same quickness for others. If not, please know that I'm so sorry and I know there is no way to tell you that it will get better until you actually feel it. I hope you do as soon as is humanly possible for your personal grief. It is my wish that we all feel this thirst for life again.

I love you so much, S and I love us and I also love that I still have a life to live. You taught me so much, including how short life is and I am going to enjoy it for the both of us for whatever time I have left. I am going to laugh as boisterously as you did and smile at everything the way you did. I am going to dance and sing and carry you in my heart through it all. I am going to love you with everything I have while I live my new life with the joy that I know is possible from my life with you.

Thank you. Thank you for everything. This is a new beginning for me, for us because you are always going to be a part of me. I couldn't be happier about that. I had such a wonderful person be the biggest presence in my life during our time together and how lucky am I to still have your love with me? I am the luckiest girl in the world. I never would have thought that even three weeks ago but now I get it and I can feel you smiling and nodding your head. I know you are happy about this and that keeps me going.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The H Word

I haven't been a big fan of the word "healing" since my husband died. That word just didn't sit right with me for a while. It felt too tidy, too neat. It didn't describe a way out of this mess to my shocked brain. I think I'm ready to take another look at it. I think I might be ready to give it a chance. If you ask me again tomorrow, I'll probably say something different but tonight, I'm setting an intention to heal.

I don't want to be stuck in this darkness forever. I do not want to feel insane forever. I can't feel this miserable for what short time I have left here. I want to heal. I want to learn how to live in a way that I feel honors my love for S. I want to nurture the love, not the loss.

This is not to say that those who nurture the loss are wrong. They aren't. I understand it and I'm still there myself, to be honest but I am putting it out there that I want to try to do it a different way. I just don't know how yet.

This is just an intention I am setting for myself. The darkness is still there and will be there for far longer than I could ever predict. There is a lot more pain to go, I won't delude myself. However, hopefully, as I swim through this black sea, I will eventually find a raft and then instead of swimming through this muck of darkness and pain, I can float and will be less likely to drown.

As I float down the dark waters of hopelessness and despair on a raft that saves me from drowning, at some point I will see a clear blue sky and calm blue waters in the distance and hope will fill me again. I will show S that I remember life and beauty and wonder again and it will be even better because our love will be in everything. He will be in everything.

I love you, S. It is my intention to heal, not just for you but for us...for me. I am the best memory of us there is now.

(Last line borrowed from Patton Oswalt's amazing Daughter)

Sunday, May 1, 2016

He made the moon shine for me...

I had somebody in this life who just had to look at me for me to see a universe of love.
His smile swirled around me and filled me with joy.
He soaked in my pain with the deepest empathy a human is capable of.
He brought out the best in me, a side of me that I didn't know existed before him. 
We held each other up, creating such a strong foundation that it felt like it would never crumble.

Part of our strength was that we were real.
He had flaws, I loved him anyway.
He annoyed me, I loved him anyway.
We argued sometimes but we never went to bed angry.
We were important to each other because we allowed each other to be authentic even when it was ugly.

He was a storyteller and full of magic.
He created rituals that made our house and our little tiny family feel so cozy.
He called me duchess, doll, gorgeous and played with my name in the best ways.
He made characters for our dog and cats.
He created worlds out of words and they were all for me.
He made the moon shine for me...

I miss you, S.
This world is so dull without you.