Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The H Word

I haven't been a big fan of the word "healing" since my husband died. That word just didn't sit right with me for a while. It felt too tidy, too neat. It didn't describe a way out of this mess to my shocked brain. I think I'm ready to take another look at it. I think I might be ready to give it a chance. If you ask me again tomorrow, I'll probably say something different but tonight, I'm setting an intention to heal.

I don't want to be stuck in this darkness forever. I do not want to feel insane forever. I can't feel this miserable for what short time I have left here. I want to heal. I want to learn how to live in a way that I feel honors my love for S. I want to nurture the love, not the loss.

This is not to say that those who nurture the loss are wrong. They aren't. I understand it and I'm still there myself, to be honest but I am putting it out there that I want to try to do it a different way. I just don't know how yet.

This is just an intention I am setting for myself. The darkness is still there and will be there for far longer than I could ever predict. There is a lot more pain to go, I won't delude myself. However, hopefully, as I swim through this black sea, I will eventually find a raft and then instead of swimming through this muck of darkness and pain, I can float and will be less likely to drown.

As I float down the dark waters of hopelessness and despair on a raft that saves me from drowning, at some point I will see a clear blue sky and calm blue waters in the distance and hope will fill me again. I will show S that I remember life and beauty and wonder again and it will be even better because our love will be in everything. He will be in everything.

I love you, S. It is my intention to heal, not just for you but for us...for me. I am the best memory of us there is now.

(Last line borrowed from Patton Oswalt's amazing Daughter)

10 comments:

  1. "Healing" and "closure" are two words you often hear around in widowhood circles. And I have come to understand 'healing' as the raw pain of grief gradually lifting so you can function. It doesn't mean the grief is gone, it just doesn't ambush you anymore at unexpected times. And 'closure' I've come to understand is something unrealistic to expect of ourselves. A sociologist, Nancy Berns, says that we need to learn to carry our grief side-by-side with our joy so we can bring forth our good memories without guilt or them triggering pain. Someday when you're ready to visit this topic, at the top of my blog is a tab labeled "Looking for Closure." In that blog is a link to a lecture Nancy gave about closure. It's worth the 17 minutes it takes to watch.

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    1. Thank you! I remember reading that post, it was a beautiful post by you as so many are. I haven't watched the video yet. I did try to start it but I think you're right, I wasn't ready. I will bookmark it and revisit it from time to time. Thanks again for all you do!

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  2. First time reading your blog. I hate the popular word "closure". How can we ever get closure on a wound that is buried deep in our heart/brain/soul? With me, the Widow Fog didn't even start to lift until around 9 months. Then before I knew it, the 1st Sadiversary happened. Then true reality started to set in. After only 7 years together, My Fred died on New Year's Day, 2012. I am further out than you are and days and even sometimes, a week will go by and I don't even think about him. Time does take away the intense pain of grief, but closure? I don't think that ever happens for us....and maybe it's not supposed to.

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    1. Thank you for your comment and the link to your blog, Judy! Yes, that closure word. My husband lost his oldest daughter about a year before we met to a car accident, so he was grieving her the whole time I knew him. I learned a lot from him actually, more than I realized as I trudge through my grief. I remember him railing against the word closure. He said there should never be closure on a child. I never had kids, so I can't even imagine the bond, let alone having that bond broken so terribly but I also feel like there should never be closure on a spouse, it is too intimate a relationship to ever feel like it needs to be closed.

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  3. If you want to stop by:
    http://judeself.blogspot.com/

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  4. If you want to stop by:
    http://judeself.blogspot.com/

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  5. First time stopping by, too. So very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine a tougher transition, and my heart goes out to you. You describe 'it' so well. All we do, to hear you and each other describe it (forget about 'well' - It isn't 'well' at the moment, it can't be.)

    My blog's at www.postwidowhood.blogspot.com I'm a looong way out the day I lost him. You're welcome to visit.

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    1. Thank you for your comment. <3 I think that the support that pours out of the widow community when they see a new widow or a widow reaching out for the first time is a testament to what we go through. Only people who have been through hell develop an instant compassion like that.

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  6. The H word. I still hate it. So many people think we should be "over it" after this amount of time. Whatever they think that amount is. It's never over. We will have our loving memories forever ... and a bit of the pain as well. I often cry ... when I hear a song, or remember a Ralph-ism, or when I see a butterfly. And I probably always will. Just embrace it. Add a dash of humor. One day at a time.

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  7. Look up Christina Rasmussen. She has a great book on this topic called Second Firsts. I found it very helpful when I decided I wanted to move towards a healthier way to process my pain.

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