I honestly don't know how I have made it these two weeks of my new life as a widow. A life that I am very begrudgingly walking through like a zombie.
Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. One foot in front of the other. Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. Try to eat, even if it is only a bite. Breathe. Try to sleep. Breathe.
That breathing thing is very important. It's amazing how many times my
breath gets taken away by the grief. I can't tell you how many times I
have felt like I might faint. Taking the dog for a walk leaves me
breathless at the thought of coming home to an empty apartment. Going to
the store leaves me breathless because my shopping always involved both
of us and I would enjoy buying him little treats. Everywhere I look, I
see things he loved and surprises I loved buying for him. He would get
so excited over the smallest treat. He was so easy to please. His smile brightened my world.
Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Remember. Breathe. Just.Get.To.The.Next.Moment.
The first week I was surrounded by family and friends in our little
apartment. I love them all very much but it was difficult being surrounded by all
that activity and hiding a good amount of my grief. Then they all left.
I thought it would be easier somehow. Now I'm alone to let my grief come out and it isn't any
better than being surrounded. I'm alone everywhere I go no matter how
many people are there. Nothing is ever enough because I don't have my
husband here with me to be my best friend and give me emotional support
the way he so lovingly would. It's all I want right now.
He was amazing and kind and imperfect and flawed. I loved every single part of him. I still do. I will forever. I love you, S and I always will.
Breathe. Drink water. Breathe. Get through. Breathe. Just breathe...