Not long after my last post, I was hit by a huge grief wave. I'm talking the mother of all grief waves. It was like the first week all over again. It was like the first day all over again. I couldn't stop crying, it was a major breakdown.
But then...as the wave stopped crashing against me, I saw...life. I felt like I wanted to live again. At first I couldn't believe it and thought it was some sort of mania that would pass but as I came out of that horrible tar pit of what felt like eternal misery, I felt like a person again. Not just a person but a person living in this world who wants to live in this world again.
I have been absent here the last few weeks because that first week was the grief wave and then when it let me be, I have been marveling at the world again. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time. At the end of April, I remember seeing things start to bloom and recognizing that there was beauty there but that it wasn't for me this year. It was almost like the beauty of everything was looking at me with the same dead eyes I was using to see the world.
But now I see it with vibrant eyes and everything feels so much more alive than it ever has before. It's like a kaleidoscope out there for me right now and I'm feeling almost giddy. I wanted to give it a couple of weeks to make sure it wasn't some anomaly but it really feels like it is here to stay (I hope).
Now, I don't know what it is that is making me feel so much more alive and excited for the next chapter of my life but what I do know is that part of why I'm feeling this way is because I am carrying my husband's love with me instead of over me. I can now look back on our life and cherish it, not be sad by it. I was able to put his stuff away, for the most part. I was able to sleep in the bed again. I was able to sleep in the middle of the bed and not hold his side sacred anymore. I realized that he didn't need me to do that and I didn't need to do that to myself.
But it's only been three months! How is that possible? I honestly have no idea. I am definitely scared that another big huge wave is going to take me down again but you know what? This time, I know there is sunshine on the other side and I just have to ride it out. Now that I have this feeling of life again, I am not letting go of it (I really hope I don't).
Don't get me wrong. Things are not perfect. My concentration levels are still zilch and my appetite is still very, very small but that's okay! I would be even more worried if I were all of a sudden perfectly out of my grief. Grief is still with me, I know it is but now it is residing alongside life.
I don't know how this happened, I don't know why it happened, all I know is that I can now safely say that it does get better. I have heard that so many times from so many widow(er)s and now I fully understand what they mean. Yes, I know it is very early for that but everybody has a different timeline and somehow this is how it is happening with mine. I can only hope for the same quickness for others. If not, please know that I'm so sorry and I know there is no way to tell you that it will get better until you actually feel it. I hope you do as soon as is humanly possible for your personal grief. It is my wish that we all feel this thirst for life again.
I love you so much, S and I love us and I also love that I still have a life to live. You taught me so much, including how short life is and I am going to enjoy it for the both of us for whatever time I have left. I am going to laugh as boisterously as you did and smile at everything the way you did. I am going to dance and sing and carry you in my heart through it all. I am going to love you with everything I have while I live my new life with the joy that I know is possible from my life with you.
Thank you. Thank you for everything. This is a new beginning for me, for us because you are always going to be a part of me. I couldn't be happier about that. I had such a wonderful person be the biggest presence in my life during our time together and how lucky am I to still have your love with me? I am the luckiest girl in the world. I never would have thought that even three weeks ago but now I get it and I can feel you smiling and nodding your head. I know you are happy about this and that keeps me going.