Saturday, April 2, 2016


Your picture sits on my desk with those eyes, those wonderful, beautiful empathetic eyes full of love. They have little galaxies in them. Is that where you are now?

I can almost feel your touch as I cry surrounded by deafening emptiness.

It's Saturday today. Before you left this world, we would be enjoying the day, working, goofing off, working, goofing off. You would ask what we were ordering for dinner in that impish way of yours knowing that I should cook but am too weak against the joy we both got out of ordering in.

We would have a movie decided on by both of us and be looking forward to watching that with our takeout.
Right now, you would be showing me something you found that you were excited about either work wise or home wise and we would be planning furniture for our new apartment, for our new adventure. The adventure that you were a week away from signing on before you left this world.

Who am I now? What am I now? I am so lost without you. Me, the woman who was so independent and loved living alone before meeting you. You were the first man I ever wanted to truly marry. I was so proud to call you husband.

I keep staring at your beautiful eyes, wishing and willing them to become real and for you to step out of the photograph and hold me and reassure me that this was all a nightmare and everything is just as it was. This was just a test to see how much I missed you and I passed with flying colors. You knew I would. I would punch you and say what a cruel joke but I would also cry with tears of sheer joy and happiness as I did it. I would laugh and dance and sing as loud as my terrible voice would let me. You would smile and laugh as you watched me celebrate the fact that you're back for good and I never have to lose you again.

Alas, none of this happens and I am left staring into your eyes in a two dimensional photograph. All that I have left of you. Now my life feels like it's missing that third dimension. I now know what a two dimensional life feels like. It is a life without meaning.

Is it better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all? I honestly don't know. This pain is harrowing but I also can't imagine the past ten and a half years without you. Why must all love come with pain? It doesn't work the other way around. Not all pain comes with love. So why does love have to do this to us in this realm we live in?

I long to be where you are, I long to be in the ether looking down on us poor fools who chose to come to a place where you can't have love without pain. What is wrong with us? Let's promise that we'll never come back here. Let's stay up there together and never part.

I don't know when I'll see you again but please know that my love for you will never die. When my body does, my love will carry up to you and we can join together as one again. Then, I can be whole once more.


  1. Nothing I can say will help at this point in your journey. Virtual hugs are coming your way, though. Know you're not alone.

    1. Thank you, Jean. I will take all the hugs I can get right now. The pain is relentless. <3

  2. The imagery and story are just beautiful. I too am struggling, my title of widow just marked it's first anniversary. I offer no advice, I have not wisdom to share. I find comfort in knowing I'm not the only one with such stories and thoughts, thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you, TC. I am so sorry. I am sending you as many hugs as you can take right now. Thank you for sharing, too. <3

  3. We surely are an odd group of people brought together by tragedy. And thank goodness we have met! It's an interesting journey and I know I learn a little something with each word I read. It does help to have this camaraderie ....