So, S has this old computer that he was oddly attached to. It quit working about six months ago. Even though he replaced it with two laptops, he still wanted to get this computer working again. We would turn it on every once in a while to see if it would work and never hit the jackpot. We had planned to really look into it and dig deep to fix it together after the holidays.
Well, as often happens, things got in the way. Business was calling and we got super busy with an exciting project (a project that would be happening right now if sepsis hadn't stolen him from me). Since he passed, I have had a lot more free time. I normally use it to read about grief and go on grief forums because I am not doing well but last week I decided to fix the old computer. It didn't start out too well. Nothing worked but I don't give up and that is one of the things that S loved about me. It consumed me for days and tonight I finally hit the jackpot. It was the hard drive and tonight it finally verified. Celebration! Well, at least it would be if S were here.
Once I got the computer turned on and his lovely wallpaper came up, which I had completely forgotten about (tears!), I felt a surge of joy and then it instantly fell to emptiness. I sat down and went through this old computer that has years of our life on it and sadness and longing engulfed me. Grief draped over me but I pushed on and went through all the gems in there. I'm glad I did.
I am now sitting at my desk with a celebratory vodka (also a numbing agent since I haven't numbed myself in a while). This is what we would do if he were here. He would make a loud celebration noise full of joy and he would declare this a drinking night and ask for a vodkie in his charming little way he did. I miss him so much.
Every time I turn my head now, I see his wallpaper and it fills me with sadness but the idea of turning it off fills me with more sadness. That is what most of my decisions have been like since he left this world. Taking the least painful route but a route still filled with pain. A pain that feels as if it will never leave. An all consuming pain that makes me wonder what the point to life is without him.
I'm grateful to have our animals (2 cats and a dog) and I'm so grateful for my friends and family. I just wish I could find some way to bring him back and fill this gigantic hole that was blasted out of me when my S died.
For now, I am letting myself drink a vodka and toasting to S. I love you, S. I love you forever. I hope you are celebrating wherever you are that I got that damn computer working again.